*It seems impossible to be friends with people who hurt and disappoint us…but- there are no other kinds of people
*FRIENTIMACY by Shasta Nelson
Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness
*What makes someone a good friend?…..
-Is it someone I like (don’t you like a lot of people that you aren’t friends with)
-Is it someone who makes me laugh (Ellen makes you laugh…but you aren’t friends with her)
-Is it someone who is always there for me (what if you are on bed rest and can’t be there for a friend…does that make you a bad friend?)
*FRIENTIMACY: the experience of a meaningful friendship-a heartfelt, supportive closeness among friends.
*LONELINESS: I have the capacity for more connection
*It is not just introverts that long for a connection…extroverts do too
*Almost all of us will replace our closest friends every 7 years
*INTIMACY GAP: the gap between what we currently have and what we desire
*choose honesty over the dull ache of avoidance
*The gaps are where we grow
*We all have an idea of what the ideal friend is….we have things we expect…but-how would we feel if a friend EXPECTED all of the same things out of us?
*MEANINGFUL FRIENDSHIPS AREN’T FOUND…THEY ARE DEVELOPED
*Developing friendships is like exercise–with exercise we sometimes feel worse before we feel better in order to get stronger…we expect discomfort…
what if we had the same expectations for friendship
*If you feel a lack of intimacy the first thing you should do is evaluate yourself
-Why does this bother me? Should it?
-What might I be doing to add to this situation?
*Inward before outward
*In a relationship I am responsible for me, you are responsible for you, we are responsible for we
*We can’t give what we don’t have
*5 CIRCLES OF FRIENDSHIP
1) CONTACT FRIENDS (linked by something in common–same church, team, school…etc…the ones you tend to sit by)
2) COMMON FRIENDS (linked by something in common–but, intentional about getting together….book club, small group, mom’s group)
3) CONFIRMED FRIENDS (were close-but, don’t see as often as we did…not in regular contact…pick up where you left off when together)
4) COMMUNITY FRIENDS (regular time together…may have met at work but get together outside of work)
5) COMMITTED FRIENDS(intimately involved with, know the details of our lives, call in a crisis)
*We need friends in all the areas…there is value in all the circles
*Some of us have a ton of contact friends and a hard time making committed friends….others
may have committed friends-but not very many contact friends.
*Story of a little boy making Valentines for his class…Not a One! | Chicken Soup for the Soul
*FRIENTIMACY: any relationship where both people feel SEEN, SAFE and the relationship is SATISFYING
1)POSITIVITY–positivity is the baseline…we need to give an receive it…60% of people think they are the ones giving the positivity… when we are drained we
start to keeping score and we give less…Adam Branch said that the happiest and most successful people are GIVERS…if you start
feeling bitter about always being the giver step back and ask why you feel the need to do what you are doing.
-Book called “Vital Friends:The People You Can’t Afford to Live Without”
-concentrate on the positive things others bring to your life rather than what they don’t bring
2)CONSISTENCY—women complain that they are too busy…sometimes too busy for friendships or feel that friends are too busy for them
-Book called “168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think”
– Most people have time for what they want to have time for
– If we are not intentional our time gets swallowed up
– Model healthy friendships for your kids
3)VULNERABILITY– Vulnerability is to deepen friendships not just divulge information
-First know your heart and who you are
-vulnerability is any action where we are willing to relax our insecurities
-share bad days AND success
*The #1 issue with friendship is unmet expectations
*5 Obstacles/ 5 Fears
1)DOUBT OF SELF WORTH (fear that we aren’t good enough)…if we think it is someone else’s job to make us happy we will never be happy
2)THE FEAR OF REJECTION (fear that they don’t think we are good enough)
3)THE TOXIC FRIEND TREND (fear that they aren’t good enough)
4)JEALOUSY AND ENVY (fear that they are too good) envy is desiring something someone has/jealousy is fear of losing what we already have
5)HOLDING OURSELVES BACK
*We can choose healthy responses when we feel rejected…..compassion, love and lean in
*Don’t puff up. Don’t shrink up. Stand your sacred ground.
*Take responsibility for what you bring to each relationship
*TAKE THE QUIZ Take the Quiz Landing