*There is a difference between perfectionism and striving for healthy achievement and growth
*I want to be the best version of me
***THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION*** By Brene Brown https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X
*this book is not a “to do” list….it is not something we accomplish or acquire…is is CONTINUAL life work…heart work, soul work
*Living WHOLEHEARTEDLY is letting your WHOLE HEART be seen.
*WHOLEHEARTED living is believing that I am worthy of love and belonging no matter what.
*We can learn to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations and lean in to the need for space and silence.
*When our lives are filled to the brim we don’t have room for anything else.
*Wholehearted living is engaging our lives from a place of COURAGE, COMPASSION and CONNECTION.
*”No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I AM ENOUGH.”
*”Yes, i am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.”
*We have to let go of what other people think of us.
*”WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS.” Dr. Wayne Dyer
*We have to talk about what gets in the way of COURAGE, COMPASSION and CONNECTION…..it is one thing to read it…but, another to live it
*”Courage is like- a habit, a virtue: You get it by courageous acts. It’s like you learn to swim by swimming. You learn courage by couraging.” in the same way we learn COMPASSION by acting compassionately and we feel CONNECTED when we reach out and connect
*Fear is powerful and can be crippling.
*FEAR CAN MAKE YOU STOP BELIEVING IN YOUR WORTHINESS AND START HUSTLING FOR IT.
*Fear causes feelings like….Do I have enough time to give all my kids what they need? Am I meeting their temperaments? Do I even know their love language? Am I good enough to be their Mom?
*You don’t have to see something for it to be true….you don’t have to see fear for it to be building up.
*We have “surfaces answers” to things people ask because of the fear of messing up, what others will think, letting people down and not being good enough.
*Fear and shame hate it when you tell your story….fear loses its grip…
*You can feel scared and brave at the same time.
*COURAGE, COMPASSION and CONNECTION are The GIFTS of Imperfection. When we are willing to be imperfect and real, these gifts keep giving.
*COURAGE (from the latin work cor…meaning heart)…courage originally meant “to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” We think of courage as being heroic. Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line.
*COMPASSION (from the latin words PATI and CUM meaning to suffer with)…compassion is not usually our first response to pain– we usually self protect (we protect ourselves by looking for someone or something to blame) or we go into “fix it” mode….Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. A friend sits with you and lets you feel your feelings. Having BOUNDARIES can make you KINDER. Her studies showed that those that practiced compassion the most, were the most boundary-conscious people of all. COMPASSIONATE PEOPLE ARE BOUNDARIED PEOPLE!
*CONNECTION….From the time we are born, we need connection to thrive. Our innate need for connection makes the consequences of disconnection that much more dangerous. Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand, but we’re very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves. It’s as if we have divided the world into “those who offer help” and “those who need help.” The truth is that we are both. UNTIL WE CAN RECEIVE WITH AN OPEN HEART, WE ARE NEVER REALLY GIVING WITH AN OPEN HEART. WHEN WE ATTACH JUDGEMENT TO RECEIVING HELP, WE KNOWINGLY OR UNKNOWINGLY ATTACH JUDGEMENT TO GIVING HELP. Some of us have derived self-worth from never needing help and always offering it. But, if connection is the energy that surges between people, we have to remember that those surges must travel in both directions.
*THERE IS ONLY ONE THING THAT SEPARATED THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO FELT A DEEP SENSE OF LOVE AND BELONGING FROM THE PEOPLE WHO SEEM TO BE STRUGGLING FOR IT. THAT ONE THING IS THE BELIEF IN THEIR WORTHINESS. IT’S AS SIMPLE AND COMPLICATED AS THIS: IF WE WANT TO FULLY EXPERIENCE LOVE AND BELONGING, WE MUST BELIEVE THAT WE AR WORTHY OF LOVE AND BELONGING.
*Worthiness doesn’t have prerequisites. We have a handed down list that says, “I’ll be worthy if I”…..lose 20 pounds, get pregnant, stay sober, everyone thinks I’m a good parent, I can hold my marriage together, climb the corporate ladder, get my parent’s approval, can do it all and look like I am not even trying…..
*But, the heart of WHOLEHEARTEDNESS is WORTHY NOW. NOT IF. NOT WHEN. We are worthy of love and belonging NOW. AS IS.
*Most of us like safety, certainty and clarity….Love is grounded in vulnerability and tenderness.
*”Fitting In” gets in the way of BELONGING.
FITTING IN = assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted.
BELONGING = doesn’t require us to change who we are; it actually REQUIRES us to be who we are
*WE CAN ONLY TRULY LOVE OTHERS TO THE EXTENT WE LOVE OURSELVES.
*OUR SENSE OF BELONGING CAN’T BE GREATER THAN OUR LEVEL OF SELF ACCEPTANCE.
*We don’t want our level of self-love to limit how much we can love our children or our husbands or our friends. Because loving them and accepting their imperfections is much easier than loving and accepting ours.
*We can only belong when we offer our most authentic selves and when we’ve embraced who we are.
*If we really want to embrace WHOLEHEARTED living we need to understand WHEN and WHY we hustle for worthiness rather than claim it.
*We live in a society of HOW TO…Short cuts…Why cross the swamp when you can bypass it?
*We know HOW TO eat healthy, make good choices with our money, how to take care of our emotional needs…..yet, we are the most obese, medicated, addicted and in-debt Americans ever. We have more information–but, we are struggling like never before.
*We know HOW TO do these things….but, we don’t talk about what gets in the way….
*3 Things we need to know about shame
#1 We all have it…the only people who don’t experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and connection
#2 We are all afraid to talk about it
#3 The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over us
*Shame tries to hide…but, it shows up in the same places for everyone….body image and appearance, family, parenting, money and work, health, addiction, sex, aging and religion.
*Shame love perfectionists (it is so easy to keep a perfectionist quiet)
*The less we talk about shame, the more we have it.
*Shame needs 3 things to grow out of control: secrecy, silence and judgment
*SHAME LOSES ITS POWER WHEN SPOKEN.
*The difference between guilt and shame…. Shame is about who we are and guilt is about our behaviors.
GUILT = I did something bad
SHAME = I am bad
*Our stories and our hearts are not meant for everyone. Hearing your story is a privilege.
*10 QUALITIES BRENE FOUND THAT PEOPLE THAT LIVE WHOLEHEARTEDLY POSSESS:
#1 CULTIVATING AUTHENTICITY (Letting Go of What People Think)
*Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are suppose to be and embracing who we are
*people can be cruel–so, we put up walls so that we don’t get hurt or don’t care what others think.
*we become immune to hurt…but, also immune to connection.
*staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection
*we should all be born with warning labels like cigarettes: CAUTION: If you trade in your authenticity for safely, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating
disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment and inexplicable grief.
*IF AUTHENTICITY IS OUR GOAL AND WE KEEP IT REAL, WE WILL NEVER REGRET IT. WE MIGHT GET OUR FEELINGS HURT, BUT WE RARELY WILL FEEL SHAME. HOWEVER, IF THE GOAL IS AUTHENTICITY AND THEY DON’T LIKE US, WE’RE OK. IF THE GOAL IS BEING LIKED AND THEY DON’T LIKE US, WE ARE IN TROUBLE.
#2 CULTIVATING SELF COMPASSION (Letting go of Perfectionism)
*shame is the birthplace of perfectionism
*perfectionism is not self-improvement….it is about trying to earn approval and acceptance
*we have bought into a belief system of: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it.
*PLEASE. PERFORM. PERFECT. REPEAT.
*HEALTHY STRIVING= self-focused…How can I improve?
*PERFECTIONISM= others-focused… What will they think?
*perfectionism doesn’t just affect us….it touches everyone around us….it is suffocating to those around us….we pass it down to our children
*OUR CHILDREN WILL ONLY BE SELF COMPASSIONATE TO THE DEGREE TO WHICH THEY SEE US PRACTICE COMPASSION TO OURSELVES.
#3 CULTIVATING A RESILIENT SPIRIT (Letting go of numbing and powerlessness)
-are resourceful and have good problem solving skills
-are more likely to seek help
-have social support
-are connected with others
*Wholehearted people FEEL THEIR FEELINGS
*we cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions
*when we numb the painful emotions we are numbing the positive emotions like JOY
#4 CULTIVATING GRATITUDE AND JOY (Letting go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark)
*There is a profound relationship with GRATITUDE and JOY….Some of us may think that JOYFUL people practice GRATITUDE because they have things to be joyful about….
But–without exception, every single person that practiced gratitude, attributed their joyfulness to their gratitude practice!
*Gratitude is something we have to PRACTICE. It’s a VERB you put to action, not a NOUN you possess.
*If we are not practicing GRATITUDE and allowing ourselves to know JOY, we are missing out on the two thinks that will actually sustain us during the inevitable hard times.
#5 CULTIVATING INTUITION AND TRUSTING FAITH (Letting Go of the Need for Certainty)
*We are not very good at not knowing….we want CERTAINTY….we don’t trust our gut….we look for assurances from others….What do you think? What would you do? ….we poll
every person we know for every decision we make
*She describes FAITH as a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.
*Faith is the foundation under everything that makes life worth living. Its what allows me to handle what I cannot see or understand.
*comfortable with the unknown
#6 CULTIVATING CREATIVITY (Letting Go of Comparison)
*Comparison is all about conformity and competition which is a PARADOX….”FIT IN AND STAND OUT AS THE BEST!”
*it’s be just like everyone else, but better
*There’s no such thing as creative people and non-creative people…there are only those who use their creativity and those who don’t…unused creativity doesn’t just disappear
*the only unique contribution that we will ever make in this world will be born of our creativity.
*As long as we are creating, we are cultivating meaning.
*WHAT WE BRING TO THE WORLD IS COMPLETELY ORIGINAL AND CANNOT BE COMPARED
#7 CULTIVATING PLAY AND REST (Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth)
*Play is just as essential to our health and functioning as rest
*for 15 years she deprived herself of play and what feeds her soul because she thought a good mom sacrificed herself for her kids all the time.
*In today’s culture- our self-worth is tied to our net worth, and we base worthiness on our level of productivity
*We have SO MUCH TO DO in SO LITTLE TIME that the idea of spending time doing anything unrelated to our to-do list actually causes STRESS!
*We believe that exhausting is a status symbol of hard work and sleep is a luxury.
*We are a nation of exhausted and overstressed adults raising over scheduled children.
#8 CULTIVATING CALM AND STILLNESS (Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle)
*Be slow to respond and quick to think
*Panic is extremely contagious—but so is calm.
#9 CULTIVATING MEANINGFUL WORK (Letting Go of Self Doubt and “Supposed To”
*We all have a long list of “supposed to’s”
*self doubt taunts us about our gifts and talents….”maybe everyone has a special gift—except You” or “Yes, you do that well, but-that’s not really a gift”
*”The meaning of life is to find your gift and the purpose of life is to give it away”
#10 CULTIVATING LAUGHTER, SONG AND DANCE (Letting Go of Being Cool and Always in Control)
*We don’t want to do things and seem out of control.
*Laughter is good for the soul! It is better than medicine!
*THE TRUTH IS WE ARE GOING TO MISS OUT ON SO MUCH ON LIFE, WHILE WE ARE SO BUSY PRETENDING TO BE COOL AND HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER.
*WHAT’S THE GREATER RISK? LETTING GO OF WHAT PEOPLE THINK OR LETTING GO OF HOW WE FEEL, WHAT WE BELIEVE AND WHO WE ARE?
*Choosing to live wholeheartedly is an act of defiance. It is opposite of what we naturally want to do. But, it is LIFE CHANGING!